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June 8, 2015

Proceedings of the Natural Institute of Science | Volume 2 | SCI-NEWS 3

Discovery Institute to launch a theistic extension for Microsoft Office

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – In an ongoing effort to inject religious cultural principles into science, the Discovery Institute’s Technology & Democracy Project has announced the release of an extension for the Microsoft Office suite of software. “This extension will allow scientists and researchers of all faiths to use database software without any fear of attacks on their religious beliefs,” said Hance Haney, Program Director of the Technology & Democracy Project. “I want to stress that we are totally, 100% a secular organization, but part of our mission is to support religious liberty, and that’s all this extension is designed to do.”

While the Discovery Institute did not reveal all the features of the new extension, several highlights and demonstrations were given at the press conference today:

For Microsoft Excel:
• Autocorrects entries and calculations that equal 666 to 665.9.
• Statistical tests will come with an option to pray for significance.
• Special software will be able to detect when the user is constructing a phylogenetic tree and will open a dialog box stating, “It looks like you are attempting to analyze a phylogenetic tree. Are you sure you don’t want to consider a model that assumes an infinite number of independent origins?”

For Microsoft Word:
• Prohibits the use of the word “creationism” and its derivatives.
• Autocorrects “water” to “wine”.
• To save time, the default formatting for certain words such as “evolution”, “Darwin”, and “Richard Dawkins” will be in red color and Chiller font.

For Microsoft Powerpoint:
• In “Slide View” every other slide will be an ad for a book written by a Discovery Institute Fellow with a coupon for a 10% discount.
• Updated ClipArt including 1) humans riding dinosaurs, 2) illustrations of various biochemical reactions (such as protein folding) with the caption “Impossible!” and 3) over 100 new stock photos of generic laboratories.

Unfortunately, the large size of the extension will require the user to disable Microsoft’s Equation Editor. In justifying this requirement Haney said, “Our users are expected to be testing concepts of Intelligent Design, which has such a sound theoretical background that equations aren’t needed."

Fellows at the Discovery Institute were thrilled with the news. “In a way, this program extension just adds to the evidence against evolution,” argued Jim Pappnase, junior fellow. “Do you think this extension just randomly appeared on our computers over millions of years? Hardly. Clearly, it was designed by our team, just like everything on Earth was designed by God, err, I mean, some intelligent being.”




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