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April 7, 2016

Proceedings of the Natural Institute of Science | Volume 3 | SCI-NEWS 10

Poll finds that a majority of Dinosaurs now regret evolving into birds

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new Gallup poll released today concludes that, for the first time since polling began, a majority of Dinosaurs now regret the decision to evolve into birds. The annual poll, which began approximately 100 million years ago according to fossil records, found that 51% of bird species believes they were better off being dinosaurs, while 43% are happy with the decision to become birds. Six percent either had no preference or didn’t like being either birds or dinosaurs.

The news is encouraging for Restore the Saurus, a pro reverse-evolution Dinosaur lobbying group. “This poll just confirms the growing resentment over the decision to evolve into birds,” said Polly Parakeet, president of Restore the Saurus. “I mean, look at me, my ancestors used to be the most feared animals on the planet, and now I’m barely 8 inches tall and eat seeds all day.”

Other birds echoed the sentiment of the Restore the Saurus movement. In response to the poll, one anonymous bird replied, “Let’s see, would I rather be a 20 foot killing machine that never has to worry about getting eaten by one of those annoying mammals? Or would I rather be a fragile, one pound, waddling disaster whose bones are as delicate as a 80 year-old man’s? There’s a reason why we ruled the world millions of years ago, let’s go back to that.”

Other respondents were more appreciative of some advantages of being birds, but still longed for the good old days: “Don’t get me wrong, flying is pretty great, but I’d rather not have to take a shit every time I want to go to a new spot.”

Not all bird groups are on board the Dinosaur train, however. The poll found that the strongest support for the evolution into birds was among birds of prey, corvids, and pigeons. “Frankly, I’m not sure what the fuss is about,” said Challenger, the famous bald eagle that performs at various sporting events. “I love being an eagle. I think those against the decision to turn into birds should either evolve back, or evolve to shut the fuck up.”

Challenger’s comments subtly underscore the growing tension between the pro- and anti-evolution camps. Pundits predict that this new poll will only serve to embolden to anti-evolution camp. “We are prepared to use violent tactics to achieve our mission to begin the evolution back into dinosaurs,” said Polly Parakeet. “Remember Hitchcock’s The Birds? Well, just imagine if that was a documentary.”

 

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